Is that a THREAT?

"If you don't clean your room, you won't be playing in your basketball game."..."If you don't stop your naughty talking then you'll stay home from the party."..."Please pick up all of your toys right now or you'll go to bed right after dinner."

Threats. We all make them to our children. We hope that giving a threat will produce the desired action or inaction. I've found, over the years, that giving a threat that we're not willing to follow through with, is a recipe for disaster.

Example: Your child is being all around difficult by teasing his brother and scattering toys around the house. In frustration, Mom says, "If you don't stop this behavior, you will not go with us to the movie tonight." 

First, are you really prepared to either stay home with your child while everyone else goes to the movie, have someone else in the family stay home while everyone else goes to the movie, or get a babysitter while the rest of the family goes to the movie? Is the threat really realistic? Is following through with the threat more of an inconvenience to you? If your child decides to test you to see if you really mean business, will you cave or will you Stick-to-it?

Second, is the threat something that will produce the desired outcome? Will the thought of staying home from the movie REALLY make your child want to change his behavior, stop teasing and clean up? If your child doesn't like movies much, he may not care and thus, the undesirable behavior may continue. However, if you were going swimming, he might just DIE if he doesn't get to go. Parenting in a lot of ways is a science. You need to look at each specimen (take each child individually), research how their mind works, their likes and dislikes, their learning styles, personality traits and tendencies. Teach, train and mold to the child for not every idea will work for every child.

Back to the example above. If Mom and/or Dad have a habit of making threats and NOT following through, the child may think, "yeah...Mom says I won't go to the movie, but she always ends up letting me go anyway." Do we end up teaching our children NOT to do what we ask because of our inconsistencies?

Another way to approach the movie example is this: "If you don't stop this behavior immediately, you will not get any treats at the movie tonight." This is probably a more realistic way to handle this particular situation. Yes, he still goes to the movie, but he doesn't get the PRIVILEGE of the movie treats. Remember, privileges and rights are NOT the same.

These are just some thoughts I've had lately. Believe me, I've made my fair share of unrealistic threats. And yes, parents have the right to change their minds. (I use that one a lot with my kids) However, I do know if we will make a reasonable threat or consequence and then Stick-to-it, our children will know we mean what we say and the likelihood of them following through with their responsibilities, and in a timely manner, is much greater.

I remember one instance when my oldest daughter was ten. She was homeschooled at the time and she wouldn't do her math assignment. She had a soccer game that afternoon so I told her if she didn't do her math, she wouldn't play in her game. She persisted to play and delay, so when it was time to go to her game, we got in the car, drove there and then she sat in the car with her math while we watched the game. Being at the field, in the car doing math, about killed her. She finished her assignment QUICKLY and then joined the team on the field. 

Soccer Season - 2003

I think the coach thought we were crazy, but oh well. It really taught her that we mean what we say and she needs to do her part. I tend to do it differently now. I usually give a time limit. In this case, I would now say, "If you don't have your math done by 12:00, you won't be playing in the game today." I can't stand idleness for hours and then a last minute "quick and dirty" scramble. However, we do believe in best effort. If a good and true effort is made, we definitely show leniency and support.

Think about what makes your children tick and use it to your advantage. Whatever you do, be consistent and follow through! Say what you mean and mean what you say.

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!