Crime and Punishment

One example of a crime and the punishment...

A few months ago I was at the dentist for a checkup and cleaning. Definitely not my favorite thing in the world, but I do like how my teeth feel afterward. Our ENTIRE family was at the dentist that day for the same reason. As you can imagine, it caused some heads to turn and questions to be asked. The dental assistant asked me, "So, how many children do you have?" I replied, "4 boys and 4 girls". It tends to minimize the reaction to say it that way, rather than, "EIGHT!" He proceeded to tell me about the big family he grew up in. We talked a bit about children and discipline and training. He then told me a story I will never forget!

He grew up in a rural town in Idaho. When he was six years old, his mother went "to town" for the monthly shopping trip. He said she was usually gone for about four hours. His sixteen year old brother was in charge of watching him and the rest of the family. His six year old self was probably a bit annoying or bossy or a pain in the neck. As a result, the brother locked him in their fruit room in the basement. No light or window was available; it was pitch black. He cried and screamed and knocked on the door. The brother never let him out.

When the mother came home, she found out what had happened. I'm not sure if she found him in the fruit room as she was putting the groceries away or if she asked where he was. That part of the story is unclear. However, when the tragedy was discovered, obviously she was furious. Can you imagine how frightened that little boy must have been? BUT, they didn't ground the older son. They didn't make him clean the garage or scrub all the bathrooms. The punishment was AMAZING!

For one year the older son had to take the younger son with him EVERYWHERE he went, except to school. If the teenager was going to a party, the younger boy went, too. If he was going to a movie, little brother got to tag along. 

Boy: "But Mom, that movie isn't appropriate for 'Mikey' to see". 
Mom: "I guess you're not going to that movie then".

Boy: "Can I go to Jimmy's house?" 
Mom: "You have to take your little brother with you."

This lasted for ONE YEAR!!! I was incredulous when he told me. 

"He really took you everywhere with him for one year?"

The dental assistant told me the rest of the story...
The older and younger brother became best friends. He is his favorite brother now. The "punishment" that was given ended up being a blessing for both brothers. What began as a very negative experience became a lesson of love and forgiveness. What inspired parents to turn this scenario into a positive blessing for their family!

If one of my children did this, I would be livid. I don't know if I would be calm enough to come up with such wisdom. Not one of my children has ever done something so serious. However, if a warranted situation does arise, I'll have this little gem in the back of my mind. 

I could see myself implementing this idea for a day or a week for situations that fit the bill. Non-loyalty or harmful behavior to siblings does not bode well in our family. Walk that line and you'll be walking with little brother or sister in tow. 

Soldier Hollow Weekend - More to Come About That Amazing Trip!

It is up to parents to formulate tactics that will shape and mold the children they've been given responsibility for. I am grateful to hear experiences of other parents. It gives me new ideas and methods to try with my family. What a blessing to have examples around us whom help us stick-to-it!

I told this story to my children...what the older boy did AND the punishment. They looked at me with disbelief. I'm not sure if they were shocked about the crime or the punishment. Let's just say, I don't think any of them want such a consequence. Great...I don't want to give it either!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Analogy: Crayons, Choices, and Children

"Mom, come quickly. Look what she did!" 

Black crayon scribbled all over the coffee table.

GASP (from me)

Eyes full of  sorrow looked up at mine. 

No, I wasn't mad. But, I wasn't going to let a teaching lesson go by.

Get out the Magic Eraser. Wait, I don't have a Magic Eraser.

Baby Wipes.

Well, it's not the first time I've dealt with a child scribbling crayon all over something, whether it be the wall or the couch or the table, or my Messiah score. At least crayon comes out, not like the "pretend boyfriend" one of my daughters drew in permanent Sharpie on the bedroom wall years ago. 

After seeing the mess she made and being so proud of myself for not raising my voice or getting upset, I quickly told her that it's unacceptable to make a mess of our home and she needed to clean it up. Remembering that the Magic Eraser was used up with some spring cleaning a few weeks ago, I resorted to the baby wipes. I gave her a handful and told her to go to town on scrubbing that table clean. She knew not to complain. She got busy. (Sometimes I think they like cleaning up the mess - to a point - especially if it involves scrubbing.)

No, I don't clean my house or make sure my children look perfect before I take their pictures. This is Bushman Family Reality!

Almost immediately, older brother jumped in to help.That's my scout - doing a good turn!

Many Hands make the Job Light

 
After 20 minutes or so she asked me to come and look at her progress. Pretty good, especially for a 4 year old. There were a few places she missed that I pointed out. She started to complain a bit, "It's too hard, Mommy." There it was...the words that sink into your heart when a child has done her best and is feeling the effects of fatigue and remorse. I took the wipe from her and started scrubbing for her. She placed her hand on mine and we scrubbed the last of it together. She felt happy, with a sense of accomplishment for fixing what she had done.

...take me by the hand...

As we finished up, I suddenly had a spiritual moment...

We all make mistakes in life, like scribbling on the table.  If we leave it alone and don't try to clean it up or make it right, it stays there for all to see, or maybe just for us to see, reminding us of the mistake. Those reminders make us feel guilt or sorrow or sadness. We look at the mess and think, "I don't know how to get rid of it. It's too hard." That's where the Savior comes in. He helps us get rid of the mess, standing by us, strengthening and encouraging as we follow his road map to repentance. (Brother Scout) As we follow it, and do ALL WE CAN, he takes our hand and helps us finish on the path (Mom). He forgives us and remembers our mistakes no more. Best of all, he takes away the guilt and the sorrow and the sadness. He cleanses us and comforts us, which enables us to feel joy. He makes it right.

It's interesting what happens when we follow the Lord's plan of parenting. The pattern is set in the scriptures, and it's up to us to study and learn and practice. We both learned a lesson that day. She learned the consequence of scribbling on the table - being accountable to clean it up, apologize, and do all she can to make it right. I also hope she realized and felt the support from those who love her.  I learned that parenting brings joyful lessons and spiritual moments, thus the Analogy of Crayons, Choices, and Children.
 
More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

May Your Days be Krispy and Smart

“We might ask, when shall we cease to learn? 

I will give you my opinion about it: never, never.”

Brigham Young

For part of our "Be Smart" month of November, we visited Krispy Kreme in Orem to see how doughnuts are made. 

Well, in part. The main reason, for the kids anyway, was to get a free doughnut for every A on their report card...a good consequence and a privilege for working hard! This is a program that Krispy Kreme has had for years:

We received 32 free doughnuts. Yes, kind of out of control. When I told my brother we were going to Krispy Kreme, he told me it would Be Smart to skip the doughnuts altogether. He was probably right.
Krispy Kreme is "SMART". They give away 32 free doughnuts that cost them next to nothing to produce, and they got Dad to buy $5.00 worth of specialty doughnuts. Someone at that company is doing their math and it's more than A = Doughnut.

Nevertheless, we had a fun time together, celebrating their Smarts.

No, I'm not that big of a pig. I was Smart... I only posed with the doughnuts and let someone else eat them. 

Stay tuned for my Be Smart Celebration post!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Show Me: A Mean Mom Moment

Sing me no song, read me no rhyme

Don't waste my time, show me

Please don't implore, beg on the seats

Don't make all the speech, show me...

...Please don't explain, show me, show me

Michael Ball - "Show Me"

I witnessed a "Mean Mom Moment" a few weeks ago. Well, I didn't really witness it; I heard about it. I felt like doing the old Piedmont High cheer - Be Impressive, B-E Impressive. B-E-I-M-P-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Truly, I was impressed by how she handled the situation!

Her son wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie for his birthday. They agreed to take him when the time came. Being how many almost-eleven-year-old boys can be, he was giving her fits that week...teasing, arguing, complaining, and disobedient. This is how she responded to the behavior:

"Your behavior tells me you don't want to go see the movie. You need to show me that you want to see the movie. Until then, we're not going."

She then proceeded to tell him that he needed to spend the next week "showing" that he wants to go see Harry Potter...be appreciative, respectful, kind, helpful, and obedient. 

Show Me!

I LOVE that!! Seeing the movie is a privilege, not a right. Until you show me with proper behavior that you want that privilege, it's out the window. Actions determine consequences, positive or negative.

Thanks for "showing me" a new perspective on behaviors and privileges! I eat up those Mean Mom Moments!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Dumb Stuff and Common Sense

The beauty and amazement of the kaleidoscope has wowed children for generations. After Sunday's episode, we'll think twice about this little, seemingly innocent, plastic kaleidoscope.

Kids just do dumb things. The sooner you learn that and accept the expected, you won't get nearly as frustrated and annoyed by those ridiculous events that take place on a regular basis.

The latest dumb thing began with my son bringing home a little plastic kaleidoscope from a birthday party on Saturday. 

The culprit...see the hole in the green one?

Sunday morning (yes, of course, Sunday) my daughter put her finger into the hole and managed to get it seriously stuck. No amount of soap or lotion or twisting would get it off. The plastic was moldable so it dug into her finger. She was really in pain. Dad came to the rescue which unveiled this:

The view from one side of the finger

Wow!  We've had our fair share of dumb stuff, that's for sure...

1. Jumping from the top of the bunk bed, hitting the ceiling light fixture, landing on another bed, with shattered glass all over. Not a scratch or a cut resulted from this super-hero stunt.

2. Attaching hand cuffs just above the knee and securing the other side of the cuff to the kitchen drawer. This was the day when there was only a key to open it, no release mechanism. Pulling that off was not fun!

3. Standing in a bucket of blocks and wetting the pants. I had to wash every single one of those plastic blocks! (No dishwasher in that house)

4. Riding the bike down the street, not looking forward; running into the neighbor's truck and smashing the face. Nothing broken!

5. Child takes a steak knife from the knife block. Another child tries to get it away. Children are running up the stairs. Child with knife stabs chasing child due to the swing of the knife while running. Stab resulted in small lesion; no stitches.

6. Sitting in front of a glass curio, the child tips back the little chair and smashes into the curio, cutting the back of the head...blood everywhere. Boy, those head wounds really bleed. Again, no stitches.

7. Toilet is left up, unflushed. Toddler toddles into the bathroom, grabs the "stuff" from the toilet and starts eating it. We'll not discuss any more about this one.

8. Child ties a parachute cord to the waist, ties the other end to the top of the bunk bed and jumps. Gets stuck in mid-air, screaming for help to "scissor it" (cut it). 

9. Leaving the top of the glue open, it spills and makes a glue puddle on the carpet, 3" x 3". Glue and carpet do not mix. Tip to clean up: Scrape it up with a spoon, over and over. Do not use water!!

10. Throwing rocks in the back yard results in the kitchen window breaking. "I didn't do it...my friend did." Uh, huh. 

11. The googly eye in the ear is classic.

12. Lettuce up the nose. It took us two weeks to discover what the source of that disgusting smell was. It wasn't bad breath!

13. Bead up the nose. Good thing for the nose sucker (bulb syringe). 

14. Oh, no. You didn't listen and stay by Mom; fell in a hole and cut the eyebrow.

15. Jumping off the side of the bathtub like Superman, hitting the cheek bone on the tub. STITCHES!

16. Microwaving clay and dropping it on the floor. Clay everywhere!

I'm sure if I dig into those deep recesses of the brain where I store such memories, I could come up with many more. The bright side of doing the dumb stuff? Hopefully, our children learn a lesson. Oh, let's hope common sense sinks in and the dumb stuff decreases!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Sabbath Thoughts: Just Around the Corner

Persistence
The hike went on and on, up steep hills leading to a beautiful meadow.

Carrying a backpack, with the baby inside; encouraging another toddler in tow.

Where is the meadow, oh where can it be? They said it was there but I see only trees

on each side of the pathway, hear bees buzzing, a river trickling and the rustling of leaves.

Another hill in the distance; let's just turn back...the kids are tired and I'm feeling old;

But the thought of the goal keeps us in step, "The meadow is there!", we were confidently told.

Up one more hill, "I can do it, I say". Then the kids out in front shout a triumphant, "Hooray!

The meadow's in sight, just around the bend." What a glorious end to such a long, hot day!
Julie Bushman

In the trenches of child raising, trials and bumps along the way often keep us from "pressing forward". The desire to "quit and turn back" many times takes over, as parents deal with children whom are disobedient, angry, grumpy, lazy, rebellious, sarcastic, unwilling, and stubborn.
I've found that as I climb the parenting hill, thinking a behavior or an attitude in a child will never wane, "sticking to" the path (the tried and true methods) and not giving up, bring moments of joy when the meadow is in sight and the goal is obtained.

What are some of these tried and true methods? Communication, honesty, PRAYER, creativity, hope, opportunity, discipline, late night discussions, hugs, LOVE, encouragement, privileges (or not), TIME, gentleness or firmness,consequences, options/choices, persistence, service, patience, motivation.........

The joy we feel when a behavior is turned, a goal is met, a situation is resolved, a confrontation is softened, a right choice is made, a testimony is gained or a repentant heart takes shape is worth the work of climbing the path!

At the top of the hill...where is the meadow?

We made it!

The meadow (the picture doesn't do it justice)

20 Amazing Troopers!

Most of the time, the joy of the journey isn't climbing the hill. Instead, it's just around the corner!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Leave the "Baby" at Home (Sorry, Sweetie!)

The hike was steep; the day was hot. The big kids were full of energy; I was not. 

The "baby" was crying, tired of walking. I wanted to cry, tired of carrying.

I had to go on...couldn't stop now. The end was in sight but how, oh, how

Will I make it up this hill with a babe on my back?; 

I thought she would walk and left home the day-pack.

Big kids stayed home so why oh why, did I not leave her home for her to cry?

"It too sunny" (No, I didn't make a typo)

Purpose of this post: To remind myself that it's 

OK to leave people home if the situation is 

not conducive to the child.

It was supposed to be a nice little hike with my sisters and their children. Half way up baby petered out and had to be carried. I thought she would walk (she's nearly three - far from a baby) and thought to myself before we left home, "Oh, she'll love being outside by the water and with her cousins." No, no. She was miserable and I was miserable. I had options before we left; I just didn't think about it. Dad and two of my teens were home. Why didn't I leave her with them? "Oh, she'll cry when we leave", I thought. "She'll have so much fun", I declared. Well, no matter the reason, I've learned a lesson! 

Even if you don't make the best choice, make the best of the situation! We still had fun and that is what counts!

They're all excited to begin!

Climbing rocky hills...what could be more fun?

Sliding down rocky hills could be more fun!

Always has to pose

Our Destination: Battle Creek Falls

She's happy now: We made it to the top and there's food to eat!

More than happy to pose on the way DOWN.

Back to the Trail Head. We made it!

Experiences for children are fabulous. However, sometimes a fabulous experience for Mom is a nice thing, too! Trust me, I'll remember that mantra for next time!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Belt Loop!

Years ago, when we had several young children, Sam came up with "Belt Loop". You see, he's visually impaired and he needed a way to manage unruly children. Sending them to time out didn't work very well because he couldn't see if they were still there. Plus, sending them "away" didn't appeal to him. One day, when helping with an ornery one, he said, "Here, latch onto my belt loop." Sam is a pacer so whichever child it was held onto his belt loop as he walked up and down the hall, into the office and out, stood up while he sat, etc. That's how belt loop came to be and it's been his "trademark" for years. Every child has experienced belt loop, multiple times. It's a way to spend time with Dad and calm down. It's a way to make a statement with love. It's a way to give Mom a break!

One of our boys on belt loop while Dad is working. (He wasn't really on belt loop. I just asked him to pose for a picture)

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Is that a THREAT?

"If you don't clean your room, you won't be playing in your basketball game."..."If you don't stop your naughty talking then you'll stay home from the party."..."Please pick up all of your toys right now or you'll go to bed right after dinner."

Threats. We all make them to our children. We hope that giving a threat will produce the desired action or inaction. I've found, over the years, that giving a threat that we're not willing to follow through with, is a recipe for disaster.

Example: Your child is being all around difficult by teasing his brother and scattering toys around the house. In frustration, Mom says, "If you don't stop this behavior, you will not go with us to the movie tonight." 

First, are you really prepared to either stay home with your child while everyone else goes to the movie, have someone else in the family stay home while everyone else goes to the movie, or get a babysitter while the rest of the family goes to the movie? Is the threat really realistic? Is following through with the threat more of an inconvenience to you? If your child decides to test you to see if you really mean business, will you cave or will you Stick-to-it?

Second, is the threat something that will produce the desired outcome? Will the thought of staying home from the movie REALLY make your child want to change his behavior, stop teasing and clean up? If your child doesn't like movies much, he may not care and thus, the undesirable behavior may continue. However, if you were going swimming, he might just DIE if he doesn't get to go. Parenting in a lot of ways is a science. You need to look at each specimen (take each child individually), research how their mind works, their likes and dislikes, their learning styles, personality traits and tendencies. Teach, train and mold to the child for not every idea will work for every child.

Back to the example above. If Mom and/or Dad have a habit of making threats and NOT following through, the child may think, "yeah...Mom says I won't go to the movie, but she always ends up letting me go anyway." Do we end up teaching our children NOT to do what we ask because of our inconsistencies?

Another way to approach the movie example is this: "If you don't stop this behavior immediately, you will not get any treats at the movie tonight." This is probably a more realistic way to handle this particular situation. Yes, he still goes to the movie, but he doesn't get the PRIVILEGE of the movie treats. Remember, privileges and rights are NOT the same.

These are just some thoughts I've had lately. Believe me, I've made my fair share of unrealistic threats. And yes, parents have the right to change their minds. (I use that one a lot with my kids) However, I do know if we will make a reasonable threat or consequence and then Stick-to-it, our children will know we mean what we say and the likelihood of them following through with their responsibilities, and in a timely manner, is much greater.

I remember one instance when my oldest daughter was ten. She was homeschooled at the time and she wouldn't do her math assignment. She had a soccer game that afternoon so I told her if she didn't do her math, she wouldn't play in her game. She persisted to play and delay, so when it was time to go to her game, we got in the car, drove there and then she sat in the car with her math while we watched the game. Being at the field, in the car doing math, about killed her. She finished her assignment QUICKLY and then joined the team on the field. 

Soccer Season - 2003

I think the coach thought we were crazy, but oh well. It really taught her that we mean what we say and she needs to do her part. I tend to do it differently now. I usually give a time limit. In this case, I would now say, "If you don't have your math done by 12:00, you won't be playing in the game today." I can't stand idleness for hours and then a last minute "quick and dirty" scramble. However, we do believe in best effort. If a good and true effort is made, we definitely show leniency and support.

Think about what makes your children tick and use it to your advantage. Whatever you do, be consistent and follow through! Say what you mean and mean what you say.

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Lessons from a Googly Eye

No matter how many times you tell your children not to do something (or to do something), sometimes they just have to do it (or not do it) and suffer the consequences to REALLY learn. I find, as a mother, that too many times I want to save my children from these consequences, but they end up missing the lesson they so need! 

My 6 year old daughter on Tuesday night: "Mom, something flew in my ear...really, I was lying in bed and I felt something go in my ear. I think it was maybe a googly eye or something." 

Great! How many times have I told her never to put anything in her nose or ear? I look in there with my otoscope (what would I do without that?), and sure enough, there's a googly eye stuck in the ear canal.

She insisted that she didn't know how it got there. (And I was born yesterday) I wouldn't let her get away with naivety nor get out of any consequences. After fifteen minutes of talking with her, she confessed to putting it in her ear. We told her that it would cost a lot of money to take her to the doctor to get it removed. 

Consequence: being scared all night with a googly eye stuck in her ear (we had to wait until morning), going to the doctor which no child likes (well, maybe to her it was exciting), suffering humiliation through the teasings of her older siblings (she didn't want to tell them - too late, I already did), and doing extra jobs around the house to help pay for the doctor's bill. Hopefully, this experience will teach her to NEVER do this again. Side note: the doctor asked us if we wanted the googly eye back for a souvenir. Are you kidding? Throw that thing away - we don't want to take any chances of it making it back in her ear.

My nine year old son: He came home last week with his report card. He was disappointed in himself because he received a B in reading. He's supposed to read twenty minutes each day and get his reading bookmark signed off by a parent. I got tired of playing reading nazi; reminding him every night, putting my foot down to DO YOUR READING NOW!!!, fighting him to do the reading routine each evening. I decided to let him govern himself and let it go. That's not my style! I believe in reminding my children about their responsibilities. They need guidance and direction and help. We all do. Sometimes, though, they need to suffer the consequence.

Consequence: Getting a B, instead of an A and feeling badly for not doing his best. The positive is he told me, "I'm going to do my reading every night so I get an A in reading next term." Yes!! I love that kind of motivation. Hopefully, it really "sticks"!

We've had our fair share of beads, BBs, lettuce and raisins up the nose. All of us can tell a story about our children making mistakes and doing dumb things. Be grateful for the lessons they learn...and then prepare for more stupid stuff down the road.

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Train your child in the way she should go

Your toddler is acting up in church. She is crying or yelling every other minute. Time to take her out because she's disturbing the meeting. You leave the room and find yourself in the foyer or hallway. What do you do?

A. You're so tired of wrestling with a grumpy child so you put her down to get out the wiggles (which usually results in running up and down the hallway or wrapping herself up in the window drapes).

B. You continue to hold your child and calm her down until she is ready to go back into the meeting. 

One approach teaches the child to act up in church, in a meeting, a performance or other quiet setting so she can leave the event and play. The other approach teaches the child that if she acts up, she'll be taken out and held, until she is ready to go back in and behave.

Raising children could also be called training children. Our children come to us with a pure, open mind, ready to be taught and TRAINED. Your child CAN learn to sit through church. Your child CAN learn to be respectful. Your child CAN learn to say please and thank you when they're just learning to talk. It takes work, dedication and CONSISTENCY. 

Let's go back to the church service example above, before your child has the meltdown and needs to leave. She probably has some coloring to do or some little toys to play with. You may have a water bottle or some snacks to help entertain. (I always save the food for the last resort!) She has the opportunity to sit with Mom or move to Dad. She can choose to sit with an older brother or sister. She has options! Now, transport you and your child to the foyer where she's sitting on your lap on a chair or she's in your arms standing up. She doesn't have any options. What child would like to sit quietly on your lap with a book, a small doll or a few plastic animals to keep her busy rather than sitting quietly on your lap with NOTHING to do? I think it's obvious. The key is training children to realize that it's much more fun to be in church with options available to them than to be restricted. You're giving them two choices...which one will it be? Don't let them make the rules; you're the parent. You set the boundaries and the expectations.

This takes practice and consistency. Keep working on it. You may need to take your child out several times but don't give in. Stick-to-it and eventually, the amount of times you have to leave the church service will decrease until you don't have to leave anymore.

Another trick that works well is leave the toys, snacks and entertainment in your bag until a certain point. First, this trains your children to sit quietly and listen, for a specified time. The time increases as they get older until eventually, they can sit through church without any distractions. They also learn when the activities will come out which develops patience. Secondly, after sitting for a while, they are so grateful for something to do that the remainder of the meeting goes by faster and they are entertained during the usual "meltdown time". Like I've said before, encourage delayed appreciation and not instant gratification.

Teaching and encouraging proper behavior can be fun! There are so many TOOLS available to help you out! A friend of mine has developed some amazing quiet books and quiet toys, perfect for teaching AND entertaining during those settings that require quiet times. I LOVE the Let's Count 1-2-3 Play Bag. All of the quiet books zip closed so you don't need to worry about pieces falling out. They also replace lost pieces! Check it out...www.mygrowingseason.com

Who your child becomes is largely determined by us as parents, probably more than we think. Train your child in the way she should go...let's hope it's NOT a free for all in the church foyer.

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Without Spanking or Spoiling

Years ago, when my first child was a baby, I came across a book entitled, Without Spanking or Spoiling. I don't remember a lot about the book, but I have used a concept from it in my child rearing journey for 18 years...

Children do well when they have a choice to make. They feel empowered, grown up and responsible. This book taught me about giving two acceptable choices and letting the child decide:

Example: My child (4) is sitting on the bar (which is all too common in our home). I tell my four year old, "You may sit on the stool and watch Mommy make dinner or you may get down and watch Mommy make dinner." It lets him decide what he's going to do but it limits the choices and sets a boundary of sorts for him to stay inside of. It's a lot more fun to watch from a stool than to watch from the floor.

Example: My child (6) is having a melt down (which does happen in our home, too). I ask her, "Are you going to stop crying and be cheerful or are you going to go in the other room until you're cheerful?" Many times she gets it together. Sometimes, she doesn't. But, I give her the choice to calm down and if she doesn't make that choice, she has to calm down elsewhere (so my nerves are not shot with the screaming and crying). 

Example: My child (9) is being disobedient. He will not do the chore Mom asked him to do. I give him the choice: "Are you going to empty the garbage cans or are you going to go to bed early?" Going to bed early = worst punishment!! He most often chooses to empty the garbage. 

Example: My child (2) won't stay in the kitchen with her apple slices. (We have a no food outside of the kitchen rule except for popcorn on movie nights) I tell her, "You need to stay in the kitchen with your apple or you're finished eating your apple...Are you going to stay in the kitchen or are you finished with your apple?" After going through this on many instances, she's learned that if she doesn't stay in the kitchen, the apple will be gone. 

Example: My child (4) is jumping on the top of the bunk bed. Mom says, "You may sit on the top bed or you may get down." He has the choice to sit down and still have fun on the bunk bed or to get down altogether. I can see the little brain gears going - "If I sit down, I can still have fun and play up here. But, if I don't sit down, I'll have to get down....hmmm, what should I do? Maybe I'll test Mom and try and jump some more..." Stick-to-it. If you give him the choice to sit down or get down, get him down if he continues to jump. He'll see that you mean what you say and next time, he'll be more careful about the choice that he makes.

Example: My child (11) doesn't want to do his chores. I tell him, "You can do your chores and go play with your friend or you can do your chores and not go play with your friend." Oh, he hates that one! Really, it's telling him that his chores are one of his family responsibilities. Playing with his friend is a PRIVILEGE, not a right!

NOTE: This is a technique that has to be practiced...it takes consistency and "sticking to your guns". But, it works, and it works well. Generally, it helps control negative behavior quickly. If your child doesn't "choose", I repeat myself again. If they say they don't want either option, I say, "Are you going to choose or is Mom going to choose?" There is the two choice thing again. Really, you're teaching your child that there's proper behavior and there is a consequence for improper behavior.

I find myself giving choices all day long. It's nice to give a choice instead of spanking or spoiling. Win the small battles to come off conqueror in the war.

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Timing: Clay and Microwaves

I came home Friday evening to splatters of brown clay all over my kitchen. There was clay on the blinds, clay on the cupboards, clay on the floor, clay on the drawer handle, clay on the microwave, clay IN the microwave, clay on the dishes in the sink...do you get the picture? 

I couldn't deal with it. First, I wasn't in the mood to hunt down the culprit. Secondly, I was annoyed and didn't want to get mad at whomever was responsible for the fiasco. Lastly, I didn't want to worry about clean up at 10 PM. So, I left it until Saturday morning. 

While making breakfast the next morning, I noticed the clay again. With a fresh mind-set and the ability to cope with the issue, I set out to investigate what happened while I was out for the evening. I started asking questions and quickly discovered that my nine year old boy was responsible.

I had someone wake him up and then waited for him to REALLY wake up. After 15 minutes, I questioned him about the clay. He relayed the following account:

Son: "My friend gave me some clay and I was trying to make something with it. It was so hard so I put it in the microwave to soften it."

Mom: "How long did you put it in the microwave?"

Son: "50 seconds"

Mom: "Then what happened?"

Son: "I picked it up and it was so hot. I dropped it on the floor in the kitchen and the clay went all over."

After hearing the story, I was glad I didn't get upset at him the night before. I was grateful I had "slept on it" because I realized he didn't do it on purpose; it was an unfortunate accident and he felt sorry about it. (Truthfully, I laughed when I told Sam about it later. I couldn't help myself!)

We talked about not putting clay in the microwave again and then I told him that he'd need to clean it up. I showed him the best way to clean it and an hour later, the task was finished. He didn't complain about it; I think he was relieved that he wasn't in trouble!

(No pictures. Some child deleted them off the camera before I could copy them to my computer. Maybe it's for the best...)

Dealing with stressful situations is all in the timing. Of course, we can't always leave the mess for another day; a toddler covered in soap can't be sent to bed and left to clean up the next day, nor can a jug of syrup spilled all over the floor be left for everyone to step in. But, even a few minutes to "get a grip" can do wonders for our attitude and the outcome.

Now, how do I remember this the next time one of my children jumps off the bunk bed and onto another bed, hitting the ceiling light and shattering it to pieces?

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!