Ladies First and other Thoughts

My son turned sixteen a few months ago and went on his first date last weekend (preference dance). How did the time go by so quickly? I was very pleased with his conduct and the respect he showed the darling girl he went with. Her parents also commented that he was "a perfect gentlemen". How do our boys become that way? How is it that one day he's wearing a bow tie and opening the door for his date? Is it luck that he happened to pull out her chair at dinner or gently put his arm around her waist for pictures? Not a chance! Boys need to be taught from the get go how to respect girls and have proper manners, and encouraged to practice these courtesies as they are growing.

Many years ago, this same son (6 years old) kicked a neighbor girl because she walked on our lawn that was growing seed. The father of the girl was furious and came over and scolded him good. I didn't agree with the way this father handled the situation. I was quite upset, actually. But, I do remember talking with our child after he left about never hurting girls and treating them with respect. We also talked to him about the way this man handled the situation. A kinder, gentler approach towards others is a better way. 

 From Toddler to Teen

There are so many things we can do as parents to ingrain these principles into our boys. Here are a few thoughts:

1. Mothers - show lots of love and affection toward your boys. Give them hugs and kisses. Put your arm around them. Play and tease and have fun together. Positive interaction from a woman teaches them to give it right back.

2. Check in once in a while about how they're treating the girls. Discuss the behavior they see towards girls from other boys and talk about if that's right or wrong. Talk about ways they can show kindness and respect, not teasing, making fun, or mean/disrespectful behavior.

3. This might sound silly, but I've always taught my boys to treat dolls as if they were a real baby. I have never allowed them to throw or kick them, pretend to torture or pull off arms, or whatever boys think up. Treating a doll with respect is the first step towards loving a baby and developing a gentle side.

4. Liken the girls in their peer group to their own sisters. If they don't have sisters, liken them to cousins, a friend, Aunts, or you, their mother. Have your sons put their sister in the place of a girl at school and discuss if that's the way they'd want another boy to treat her.

5. Encourage polite behavior. A friend of mine waits at the door until her son opens it. This can begin from the time they are big enough to open a door on their own. I love this method and I've started using it myself. Teach them to hold the door for people behind them. Teach them the principle, "Ladies first". If they know what is expected, they can follow through. If they are unaware of the expectations, it is difficult to measure up. 

6. Give opportunities to serve. The other day, my husband asked my 9 year old to walk his grandmother from the house to the car and then from the car to the house when we returned. He took her arm and was so gentle and sweet. I wish I had my camera! What a moment to teach respect for women!

7. Don't assume that they know proper table manners, how to ask a girl to dance, HOW to dance, to take her coat or pull out her chair. Make sure they really know!

8. Like I mentioned above...hurting girls is unacceptable! Our four year old is struggling with this concept right now. His sister teases him, his temper is short, so he hits her. We're trying to nip it in the bud NOW so he can learn to practice all of the above.

9. The father's influence of how he treats his wife, your sons' mother, is invaluable. Fathers, love and respect your wife that your sons will have an example to follow.

10. In our family, 16 is the age when they can begin dating, double or group dates. They have lots of time to practice the art of treating girls with respect.

Let's pray they remember all that has been taught.

For a good book about raising boys, consider Dr. James Dobson's book, Bringing up Boys.

 I hate the term, "Boys will be Boys". To me, it is derogatory. Boys can be good boys. Boys can be responsible boys. Boys can be respectful boys. Let's teach them to be so...

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Last Laugh

Have you ever had a child that is so insistent on something that it just becomes ridiculous? No matter how many times you tell them or not matter how many people tell them, they just stick with their silly notion.

Example: A few years ago, I was making dinner - something that included red cabbage. I don't even remember what it was. My daughter insisted that it was called purple cabbage because it's purple. I kindly told her that it's actually called "red cabbage". She insisted that it was purple cabbage. "Why would it be called red cabbage? It's not red. It's purple." And on and on she went. 

Fine, call it purple cabbage. It's really not something to argue about or fret over. Like my Dad used to say, "Don't sweat the small stuff." 

But I firmly believe that Moms have certain rights and in this instance, it was to get the last laugh. I was at the grocery store and happened to have my camera with me. So, I shot this:

It's RED cabbage

I came home from the store and showed her the picture. I laughed and she fumed but I never heard a word about it again and I think I do recollect her calling it RED cabbage since then. I love it!

Funny, but a similar thing happened this morning when I took a break from this blog post to go make "the drink" and the lunches. This same daughter was complaining about having to wear a skirt to school every day (uniform policy), especially in the winter. I told her, "I do recall you saying that you wouldn't mind wearing a skirt every day when you started going to this school."  She retorted with, "Well, it wasn't cold then." The complaining ended and she went on her way.
I enjoy reminding my children about their former ideas, opinions, thoughts, and statements that render gratitude, commitment, positive attitudes and proper perspective.

More to come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

"Stick" Together

Today I want to send out a message of gratitude to all the people in my life who have influenced who I am. I'm especially thankful to all of "my ladies" who have been an example to me and continue to teach me with their kindness, daily service to their families and communities, charity and compassion, wisdom, stalwart stance, faith and fortitude....basically you're all an example of women who Stick-to-it!

It's amazing how "sticking" together makes us strong and steadfast. Simple acts of love toward each other build us up and encourage endurance; making it possible to make it another day. 

I received a note in my mail box last week from a neighbor. Her sweet and simple note to me absolutely made my day! A few of her words...

"As I observe you & your faith & dedication to the Lord, I'm so inspired...Thank you for the children you're raising, the faith in your home, & just for being an all-around beautiful lady..."

Never underestimate the good you can do and ARE doing in your home and within your circle of friends and family. Let's "stick" together as we are engaged in the great work we're faced with, no matter what stage you're in. We can be a mighty force for truth and righteousness - influential in the lives of each other AND the younger generation - by living with joy, happiness, patience, and love.

Look for someone today that you can inspire and uplift!

I love you ladies...

I wish I had pictures of all of you...but the time searching is spent and I've found that I take soooo many pictures of my kids but not enough of the "big people".

Also - here's a call for your ideas. You're all such amazing people...I'd love for you to share some of your "Stick-to-it" thoughts...

Learning from each other is where it's at!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Clean...until the grumps are gone!

A few weeks ago, I was mad. It doesn't happen very often but that day somebody really set me off, more so than I've ever felt in a LONG time. I'm sure a lot of it was my fault - over sensitive and quick to be offended. Nevertheless, I was ticked. I looked for some way to take out my anger. I didn't want to yell at my children or punch out a picture frame (sorry, Kath) so I looked around the house and saw a messy kitchen. I went to work...

For some reason, the kitchen is the family dumping ground. I started chucking my children's stuff into the living room. My oldest two children were working on their homework. They quickly got the picture. They picked up their things and put them away. The news spread quickly that Mom was upset so everyone started doing their chores. I guess when Mom is mad and silent, it's more effective than being mad and yelling.

Back to cleaning: I swept the floor, moving the kitchen table, benches and bar stools out of the way.

No, this is not what my broom looks like. I just liked the photo.

I mopped the floor. I even sprayed the edges of the floor and scrubbed the built up dirt that never gets clean with just a mop. I sprayed and wiped the base boards, the walls and all of the kitchen appliances. I cleaned the cupboard doors and the outside of the garbage can. I scrubbed the table, all of the chairs, benches, and bar stools. I moved on to the living room and cleaned the pencil and crayon designs off the walls and then down the stair well to do the same thing. I put all my energy into cleaning and I didn't stop until my anger had dissipated, or in other words, until the grumps were gone. 

When I was finished, I was so hot and sweaty. Wow! I felt better though, and now, looking back, there are many advantages of cleaning when you're mad...

1. The places that don't get cleaned very often, are suddenly spotless.

2. Instead of wallowing in your self pity, something gets accomplished.

3. It's a good work out! Lose some calories while you let off some steam.

4. Take your frustrations out on the kitchen floor instead of your family.

5. You may get other people involved, too and then more gets done.

6. You end up counting your blessings and forget why you were mad in the first place.

7. You repent for getting upset and apologize to the family (especially for chucking their stuff). Even mothers make mistakes and it's good for children to hear you say, "SORRY!".

8. A nice hot shower awaits you...it may be the second shower of the day. Nice! Now you get to meditate, pray, think and RELAX!

9. Hopefully there's an apology and life can move on.

10. You walk into the kitchen to fix dinner and you're loving how clean everything is!!!

No, I'm not happy with myself for getting upset, but I really feel that how you handle your anger is the important part. One public speaker said he runs down to the water heater and hugs it to avoid yelling at his family. Also, we choose to get mad or upset so we also choose how we're going to deal with it. Ever upset with a difficult child? (hah, do I need to even ask?) Try sitting them down on the couch and just hugging them. Don't say anything. Just hug them and see what happens. Hug them for one minute, five minutes, ten minutes. Frustrations soften and love builds up. Now I like that kind of build-up!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Train your child in the way she should go

Your toddler is acting up in church. She is crying or yelling every other minute. Time to take her out because she's disturbing the meeting. You leave the room and find yourself in the foyer or hallway. What do you do?

A. You're so tired of wrestling with a grumpy child so you put her down to get out the wiggles (which usually results in running up and down the hallway or wrapping herself up in the window drapes).

B. You continue to hold your child and calm her down until she is ready to go back into the meeting. 

One approach teaches the child to act up in church, in a meeting, a performance or other quiet setting so she can leave the event and play. The other approach teaches the child that if she acts up, she'll be taken out and held, until she is ready to go back in and behave.

Raising children could also be called training children. Our children come to us with a pure, open mind, ready to be taught and TRAINED. Your child CAN learn to sit through church. Your child CAN learn to be respectful. Your child CAN learn to say please and thank you when they're just learning to talk. It takes work, dedication and CONSISTENCY. 

Let's go back to the church service example above, before your child has the meltdown and needs to leave. She probably has some coloring to do or some little toys to play with. You may have a water bottle or some snacks to help entertain. (I always save the food for the last resort!) She has the opportunity to sit with Mom or move to Dad. She can choose to sit with an older brother or sister. She has options! Now, transport you and your child to the foyer where she's sitting on your lap on a chair or she's in your arms standing up. She doesn't have any options. What child would like to sit quietly on your lap with a book, a small doll or a few plastic animals to keep her busy rather than sitting quietly on your lap with NOTHING to do? I think it's obvious. The key is training children to realize that it's much more fun to be in church with options available to them than to be restricted. You're giving them two choices...which one will it be? Don't let them make the rules; you're the parent. You set the boundaries and the expectations.

This takes practice and consistency. Keep working on it. You may need to take your child out several times but don't give in. Stick-to-it and eventually, the amount of times you have to leave the church service will decrease until you don't have to leave anymore.

Another trick that works well is leave the toys, snacks and entertainment in your bag until a certain point. First, this trains your children to sit quietly and listen, for a specified time. The time increases as they get older until eventually, they can sit through church without any distractions. They also learn when the activities will come out which develops patience. Secondly, after sitting for a while, they are so grateful for something to do that the remainder of the meeting goes by faster and they are entertained during the usual "meltdown time". Like I've said before, encourage delayed appreciation and not instant gratification.

Teaching and encouraging proper behavior can be fun! There are so many TOOLS available to help you out! A friend of mine has developed some amazing quiet books and quiet toys, perfect for teaching AND entertaining during those settings that require quiet times. I LOVE the Let's Count 1-2-3 Play Bag. All of the quiet books zip closed so you don't need to worry about pieces falling out. They also replace lost pieces! Check it out...www.mygrowingseason.com

Who your child becomes is largely determined by us as parents, probably more than we think. Train your child in the way she should go...let's hope it's NOT a free for all in the church foyer.

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Take a Break!

No matter how much you love your children, you need a break. No, you're not abandoning your children if you go out of town for a few days and leave them with Grandma. You're not a bad mother for wanting an evening with Dad. Get a babysitter and get out of the house!

It's healthy to have time alone with your spouse. It's rejuvenating to think about other things rather than changing diapers, what's for dinner?, Mikey needs to go to soccer practice, the car payment is due or five loads of laundry need to be folded. Take a break from all the worry and spend time together!

Sam and I go out at least once a week. Some weeks we make it twice and those are fabulous times! After being stuck at home for two weeks taking care of children with strep throat and hives, I was just dying to get out. I asked the older children to "maintain order" (code for babysit) and we went out for just an hour to get a shake and talk about life. It made all the difference! Our usual outings include dinner (a MUST)  and then walking, shopping or reading. For special occasions we'll see a play or musical. We enjoy going out with friends, too! We tend to stay away from movies because first, there's rarely anything good to see and secondly, you can't talk to each other.

Yes, if you don't have older children who can "hold down the fort" (another code), it makes things more difficult. Our first two children were 17 months apart, followed by our third 26 months later. #4 came 25 months later. At one point we had four children under six and it was CRAAZZYYY but it was AWESOME! We didn't take the time to go out much since babysitters are expensive (we're blessed with eternal treasures, not worldly treasures). However, there are ways to be creative and get the time you need. Trade babysitting with a friend who has young children, too. It's a great way to get out weekly for BOTH parties and the children have fun playing with some friends. My brother and his wife have a babysitting co-op in their neighborhood. I think it's a great idea..I'll get more info and do a post about that. (Reminder to self) Get the children to bed early (easier said than done) and have a date at home. Don't just watch TV. Do something unique and special. Or, get up early and have a special breakfast together. Take the children to the park and have a "date" on the park bench. Whatever you do, do something. I will admit, we rejoiced, truly we did, when our oldest child was able to babysit. Now we have four children old enough to be the "head honcho". Honestly, I never thought the time would come...but it does.

Sam is great about encouraging us to go out of town once or twice per year. When he suggests it I always say, "Oh, it's not good timing, so and so has this, who will watch the kids, it's too expensive to go...". Excuses, excuses. I have the guilty mother syndrome. Once the logistics are secured and everything is worked out (which it always does work out), I'm soooooo grateful for the time away. Usually, it's just for a day or two, but we always count the hours (literally) and savor them. 

31 Hours...

Approximately 72 hours...

3 hours...hey, 3 hours is 3 hours

60 Hours or so...

Yes, take a break and another and another. You come back with more appreciation for your children and they seem to like you a little better, too.

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!

Purple Party Power

Why do parents feel the need to throw birthday parties for their little kids (when half the time they won't even remember it) but then they say "No More Parties" by the time their child is 12? Don't misunderstand me...I love birthday parties and I love planning and giving them. I love seeing the excitement of little children waiting to see what the present is when it's opened or the thrill of their tail getting pinned on the right spot of the donkey. However, young children's birthday parties are physically exhausting, very demanding, high maintenance, positively overwhelming and almost impossible without "helpers". Therefore, I've decided I like birthday parties for older children and will be happy to have birthday parties into their teen years.

The advantages:

1. The birthday girl is capable and willing to help with the preparations.

She assisted in making all of her purple monkey suckers.

2. They come up with their own activities and don't need "help" with every game or event.

Kids Taboo - A fun and interactive game for a group of giddy girls.

3. You don't even need a plastic table cloth because they don't make a mess. They even say thank you for the food.

They even eat the food....

4. They're capable of serving themselves...

I don't worry about it either.

5. They pose so nicely for pictures...

Love the tongue and the purple bow!

6. They don't blow out the birthday girl's candles...

They decorated cupcakes for the birthday treat

7....Nor do they lick the frosting knife and put it back in the frosting.

The frosting amounts are moderate as well as the use of sprinkles and candies.

8. You can actually make a pyramid...

...And it only took 30 seconds to form

 9. And most importantly...hugs abound!

I take a picture of the birthday child with each of their friends that come. Great memories!

10. When it's all over...they're grateful and happy.

Love this!!

...And that's why I love birthday parties for teens. The End.

PS - Purple captions in honor of purple monkey power!!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!