Without Spanking or Spoiling

Years ago, when my first child was a baby, I came across a book entitled, Without Spanking or Spoiling. I don't remember a lot about the book, but I have used a concept from it in my child rearing journey for 18 years...

Children do well when they have a choice to make. They feel empowered, grown up and responsible. This book taught me about giving two acceptable choices and letting the child decide:

Example: My child (4) is sitting on the bar (which is all too common in our home). I tell my four year old, "You may sit on the stool and watch Mommy make dinner or you may get down and watch Mommy make dinner." It lets him decide what he's going to do but it limits the choices and sets a boundary of sorts for him to stay inside of. It's a lot more fun to watch from a stool than to watch from the floor.

Example: My child (6) is having a melt down (which does happen in our home, too). I ask her, "Are you going to stop crying and be cheerful or are you going to go in the other room until you're cheerful?" Many times she gets it together. Sometimes, she doesn't. But, I give her the choice to calm down and if she doesn't make that choice, she has to calm down elsewhere (so my nerves are not shot with the screaming and crying). 

Example: My child (9) is being disobedient. He will not do the chore Mom asked him to do. I give him the choice: "Are you going to empty the garbage cans or are you going to go to bed early?" Going to bed early = worst punishment!! He most often chooses to empty the garbage. 

Example: My child (2) won't stay in the kitchen with her apple slices. (We have a no food outside of the kitchen rule except for popcorn on movie nights) I tell her, "You need to stay in the kitchen with your apple or you're finished eating your apple...Are you going to stay in the kitchen or are you finished with your apple?" After going through this on many instances, she's learned that if she doesn't stay in the kitchen, the apple will be gone. 

Example: My child (4) is jumping on the top of the bunk bed. Mom says, "You may sit on the top bed or you may get down." He has the choice to sit down and still have fun on the bunk bed or to get down altogether. I can see the little brain gears going - "If I sit down, I can still have fun and play up here. But, if I don't sit down, I'll have to get down....hmmm, what should I do? Maybe I'll test Mom and try and jump some more..." Stick-to-it. If you give him the choice to sit down or get down, get him down if he continues to jump. He'll see that you mean what you say and next time, he'll be more careful about the choice that he makes.

Example: My child (11) doesn't want to do his chores. I tell him, "You can do your chores and go play with your friend or you can do your chores and not go play with your friend." Oh, he hates that one! Really, it's telling him that his chores are one of his family responsibilities. Playing with his friend is a PRIVILEGE, not a right!

NOTE: This is a technique that has to be practiced...it takes consistency and "sticking to your guns". But, it works, and it works well. Generally, it helps control negative behavior quickly. If your child doesn't "choose", I repeat myself again. If they say they don't want either option, I say, "Are you going to choose or is Mom going to choose?" There is the two choice thing again. Really, you're teaching your child that there's proper behavior and there is a consequence for improper behavior.

I find myself giving choices all day long. It's nice to give a choice instead of spanking or spoiling. Win the small battles to come off conqueror in the war.

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!