Married...with a "Vision" for Success

Seeing, is not necessarily believing!

Many of you know that my husband is visually impaired and has been since birth. He is speaking this week at a conference for those who have been affected by an inherited retinal degenerative disease called LCA or Leber congenital amaurosis, which is the cause of his blindness. Sam asked me to help with his presentation by speaking about what it's like to be married to a person who is blind. I decided to write my thoughts as a blog post because one, it comes naturally for me and two, recording my feelings for posterity's sake is important to me.

Sam and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. See our early celebration and the actual celebration. 20 years ago, I did not think much about what it would be like to be married to someone with such a limitation. You see, my father was in a wheelchair since he was 16, and so understanding differences was just a part of my life since Day 1.

With Dad at Yellowstone National Park - almost 20 years to the day - 1992

However, I have learned much from being married to Sam, just like any wife would learn from being married to her husband. Every marriage has its struggles and so does every person; no situation or individual is perfect. Just as Sam is visually impaired, I have inadequacies, faults, and weaknesses, too. The following three topics can be applied to everyone:

Accept, Adjust, and Appreciate 

Gratitude for the Can, and the Willingness to Try

Look Back...and Move Forward.

Accept, Adjust, and Appreciate

With any limitation, there is a level of acceptance that must be met to be able to move forward with life.  When our third daughter turned five, we were having a family discussion about Sam's blindness. Our older two children asked, "Dad, do you have a handicap?" This darling, five year old daughter asked, "Where does he keep it?" She was accepting of him!

We all have handicaps or disadvantages that make success in life more difficult. To deny it stifles progression. As our marriage has grown, I have learned to accept the things that Sam can do and those things that are a struggle. I've come to accept that he can't wink at me from across the room or drive me to a surprise location for a date night. However, we can adjust with a hug or a hand hold, and ME driving to a surprise location for a date night as I follow his directions.

20 Years of Accepting, Adjusting, and Appreciating

A spontaneous carriage ride in Salt Lake City

I've come to accept that he does not play basketball with our boys, nor does he formally dance with the girls. But, the adjustments come when he gives advice at the boy's games, is the pep-coach for one of the boy's teams, or when Sam talks basketball day and night with our sons (or so it seems at times). 

The half time pep talk

Team Coaching our younger son's team with our older son

Adjustments are seen when he pleasantly twirls our little girl as he tries to calm her cries, or when he agrees to get his toe nails painted at a Daddy-Daughter Activity.

A natural position for all eight babies!

Sweet times with one of his four princesses!

I've accepted that I need to assist in providing for the family. Thankfully, I am able to work from home which is a tremendous blessing. We adjust, for example, by Dad assisting with organizing the children to take care of their responsibilities while I work on a project.

2004 - Spending time doing dishes together

After accepting and adjusting, appreciate one another for their willingness to accept and adjust. Discover the "love language" of your spouse and show appreciation how he or she would like to see it.


Gratitude for the Can...and the Willingness to Try

As a woman, I want things done a certain way! It's just my nature. Some of my old tendencies included...
I want the towels folded like so.
I want my husband to spend time with the children the way I think it should happen.
I want to spend the evening doing (fill in the blank)...
I want to fix THIS for dinner.
Please don't roll up the toothpaste that way
Discipline our children like this...

And so it goes on. I'm sure I'm still this way in certain areas or with particular issues that mean a lot to me, however, I have changed A LOT! What's the key? Gratitude that my husband can do things and that he is willing to try. A grateful heart is the door to a joyful life. Having joy is much more pleasant than anger or frustration, don't you think?

I'm grateful Sam is willing to dress up for the family Christmas nativity play and to participate in the family pie eating tradition, even though it's out of his comfort zone.

Ridiculous costumes but the best tradition!!

A good sport in the pie-eating contest!

 
I'm grateful Sam can hike up the mountain with a baby on his back, even though he can't see the beauty around him.

Timp Cave Hike - 2004

Moab, UT - 2006

I'm grateful Sam willingly serves his mother by working on her computer, even though he can't
fix the leaking water heater in her basement.

Christmas, 2011

I'm grateful Sam can play with the kids in the sand and the water,even though he can't play frisbee.

Coronado, CA - 2012

Diggin' with Dad - Coronado, 2012

Jumpin' the Waves in Carpenteria, CA - 2012

More Diggin' with Dad in Carpenteria, CA - 2012

I'm grateful Sam was willing to have our eight fabulous children, even though he knew it would be a challenge for him. However, he will join me in saying that the joys far outweigh the challenges.

The Bushman Family - April, 2012

Look Back...and Move Forward

I strongly disagree with the adage, "Don't Look Back"! I believe that looking back provides valuable insight to the future. I like to look back at the lessons learned and the progress made. 

I look back to the memories of the little children learning about Dad's blindness. They would see Dad coming towards them, brace themselves, grab onto his pants and cling for dear life to avoid being flattened. Next, they moved to straight arming Dad to avoid being overrun, but it wasn't always successful. Finally, their progression led to moving out of the way entirely to avoid any contact.  

Safe in the Swing!

I look back to the beautiful experiences of my children learning to help Dad in so many capacities: guiding, finding, assisting, seeing, reading, and serving.

Making sure Dad doesn't crash!

Guiding Dad on a canyon hike

Only encouragement is needed here!

Looking back gives me the desire to move forward! There is much to learn and experience in the future!!

In a blog post, that's what it's like to be married to Sam. With acceptance, gratitude, and optimism, I "see" a grand future for both of us!

More to Come...but until then, Stick-to-it!